


What Should Have Been Questioned: Chamber of Secrets

by the_questioner (MidnightBunnyy)



Series: What Should Have Been Questioned: Harry Potter [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Analysis, Character Bashing, CinemaSins style, Sarcasm, Swearing, Treat Hedwig Better, adding tags as I go, and it kinda shows, but what wasnt, dobby no, his fat is actually sagging off the chair, its amazing dudley is still with us, just let him have his letters, making fun of it too, no beta we die like Hedwig, pointing out things that dont make sense, probably, tbh i love her so much, thats not healthy, what should have been questioned, which should be a tag, ya stupid dursleys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:14:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightBunnyy/pseuds/the_questioner
Summary: Everything that should have been questioned, Chamber of Secrets style!Featuring logic, making fun of things, sarcasm, actual things that don't add up, and much more.
Series: What Should Have Been Questioned: Harry Potter [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893145
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Introduction

First off, we are starting with Chamber of Secrets because the author doesn't own her own copy of Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone. It'll get its moment to shine, just wait, but until then we are starting with book two.

Second off, this is not what just what should have been questioned, it's also why didn't they do that, that doesn't make sense, and that's just stupid.

Third off, if you disagree with something I say, that's fine, but please tell me politely. 

Fourth off, enjoy the first chapter!


	2. Chapter One: The Worst Birthday

Before we start, let's take a moment to appreciate how terrible Harry's birthdays have been up until now. First a hoard of owls, then this.

...

Good. Let's start.

**1\. When Harry says "You've forgotten the magic word."**

Do the Dursleys not know what it is, (I wouldn't be surprised.) or do they just hate magic that much? And, he didn't threaten their whale of a son. Yeesh, if you think he's going to hurt your wittle Dudleykins that much, why don't you just enroll him in a summer camp or something? Does England not have those? Especially since you won't ''tolerate his abnormality''? Or do they want him as a slave too much for that? 

This was also in response to Dudley wanting more bacon. Really, how is this kid still alive? He's described as being so fat, it's drooping off the chair! 

**2\. The matter of Quidditch practice.**

If he got his spot as a first year with no experience, _for fucking breaking a rule,_ he doesn't have anything to worry about. Besides, who would he even practice with?

**3\. Summer homework.**

Yeah, with Boy-Who-Lived status, (which is the only reason he got on the quidditch team and won the House Cup, I'm sure if it was anyone else it would have been a whole lot worse then that.) you don't have anything to worry about, Dumblydoor will speak with the teachers and you'll get a free pass if you don't finish at the Burrow.

**4\. Padlocking Hedwig's cage.**

ANIMAL ABUSE. Our beautiful lady owl Hedwig needs exercise, good food, among other things, which the Dursleys are denying her all because they don't want Harry to talk to his friends! What the fuck is wrong with them?

**5\. The line, ''where he and his scar were famous''.**

_Please,_ just leave him alone, that's his parents' death you bring up every single time.

**6\. His birthday.**

F in the comments for Harry's disastrous birthday streak.

**7\. The literal rehearsal dinner.**

Wow. They _actually_ rehearsed it.

Petunia, only a mother could love Dudley. 

**8\. Dudley's essay.**

Gosh, I hope not. What would he even say, the guy doesn't seem all that important. ~~I wrote about Mr. Mason because my father needed to suck up enough to get an order of drills.~~

**9\. Majorca.**

He gets enough money for a vacation home, for an order of drills!? ~~Oh, s~~ ~~ay hi to Sirius for me.~~

**10\. Cleaning.**

Petunia is actually cleaning, instead of making Harry do it. Surprising? Very.

**11\. Dudley's slipping trousers.**

Wow, they must have gotten a really big size. After all, they're slipping off the same person who's fat was hanging off the chair. 

**12\. Cleaning part II.**

Well, Petunia finally got around to assigning it to Harry. Glad that's cleared up.\

**13\. Petunia's sense of style.**

Amazing, salmon-pink. Truly, the best option.

**14\. Cliffhanger.**

What is it with authors and end of chapter cliffhangers!? They're everywhere!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was mostly sarcasm, because there really isn't all that much that doesn't add up.


	3. Chapter Two: Dobby's Warning

**1\. Hiccoughing.**

Apparently, that's a word. 

**2\. Moldyshorts' name.**

I get it, names have power, blah-blah-blah. But the guy has been 'dead' for over a decade, and people are _still_ scared of his name? Yeesh.

**3\. Ears + oven door.**

Um... Dobby... should I be concerned? Do you turn the oven on!?

**4\. If you only had tiiiime.**

If Dobby knew about the Chamber for months, why is he just now telling Harry? 

**5\. Bad golfing jokes.**

Was it absolutely necessary to specify Japanese JK?

**6\. The letters you wrote me.**

How exactly is Dobby stopping his letters? Jumping on the owls? 

**7\. Meow.**

So, apparently it's possible to jump six stairs and still land "catlike"? What the hell? Didn't that make any noise that Vernon would investigate? 

**8\. Joke.**

So, the Dursleys, who had no knowledge of Mrs. Mason's fear of birds, trained an owl to drop a letter on her head for fun's sake? Really?

**9\. Fruit bats.**

Fruit bats are cute! It would be mean to them to turn the Dursleys into fruit bats.

**10\. Cold soup.**

Yeah... a can of that, (half given to Lady Hedwig, which isn't good for her) and two probably similar amounts two other time times a day, (also probably half given to Hedwig) equals... it's amazing Sirius didn't find out and kill the Dursleys.

**11\. Let it go, let it gooooo.**

If they did, which, to be honest, they might not, they didn't realize Harry and Ron were missing, they could get him out. After all, MAGIC.

**12\. Vroom, vroom.**

Oh look, there's Fred, George, and that one annoying guy. You're saved, Harry.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on my tumblr, [duchessmb!](https://duchessmb.tumblr.com/#)  
> 


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